


One Last Time

by lemontreeeyes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi - Freeform, M/M, Minor Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi, mostly angst though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29677920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemontreeeyes/pseuds/lemontreeeyes
Summary: It hurts me so much to not let go, but it’ll kill me if I do.I can't summarize, but I promise the fic is better!
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Kudos: 8





	One Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> I can't think of any warnings, but if any of you come up with some, please do let me know!

It's quiet without you. I hear my own heartbeat, echoing in my ears. I feel like I'm drowning in it. I wish you were here.

_"I have loved you for the last time  
Is it a video? Is it a video?  
I have touched you for the last time  
Is it a video? Is it a video?"_

You're leaving me. You're saying that you're sorry. I think I'm a little numb. You're saying you're in love with someone else, that nothing happened, but it wasn't fair to me that you were in love with him. I'm trying to get you to stay, but you're saying you've had enough. You've had enough of me, that I wasn't right for you. I must have gotten it wrong this whole time. Was it all for nothing? Did you really despise me until the end? Was I that wrong in thinking you were the one?

Oh. I must have said this out loud. You look at me with your eyes burning, and you say, voice cracking, "That's the thing Daichi, you were always getting me wrong." 

That felt like a hammer to the stomach. My eyes go wide, and my knees are shaking, threatening to give way. My eyes burn with the salt of tears, but my pride refuses to allow them to fall. My pride refuses to let me be weak. Not now. Not when you need me to be strong. Not when I need myself to be strong. One more time. I force a smile for you one more time. I ask for permission to hold you one more time, to kiss you one more time. Your lips tighten, and you nod, your cowlick bobbing with your head, your hair bouncing with the movement. One more time. One last time.

I hold you close one last time. Your warmth seeps through that god-awful orange sweater you look adorable in. I don't want to let go. Don't let me let go. Say it wasn't a mistake, say you still want me. Don't let go of all the memories we made, let me hold you more. Let me cage you in my arms in the middle of the night, sharing soft kisses in the moonlight, under the blankets. Let me envelop you, protecting you from those horrendous horror movies you seem to love. Don't let go. Please, don't let go. My arms tighten around you of their own accord; none of me wants to let you go.

I kiss you one last time. Your lips are as soft as they were the first time, all those years. I want to kiss you more. Let me kiss you more. Promise me that you still want me to kiss you. I'll hold you to the promise, waking you with soft kisses despite your morning breath. I'll attack your stupidly adorable face with my lips whenever you want. I'll never turn you away again. I promise. Just say you'll stay. Don't let go. Please, don't let go. My lips press firmer against yours of their own accord; none of me wants to let you go. 

I look at you one last time. I really look. Your face is tight, your hazel eyes shine with unshed tears. They look the same as they did all those years ago, shining bright at me in the clubroom. I trace the lines of your face with my eyes, paying careful attention to the mole under your eye. The mole that drew me in so many times, keeping me permanently trapped where I am, permanently trapped in the prison that is my love for you. Let me look at you more. Let me watch your face get red after you run, your cheeks filled with a pink flush. Let me watch you while you sleep, the tiniest smile on your face like you couldn't stand being sad. You're right here, and I miss you already. Don't let go. Please, don't let go. My eyes well up with tears of their own accord; none of me wants to let you go.

I'm trying to commit you to memory. The smell of lavender detergent, mint shampoo. You still smell the same as you did when we were still in love. It's a momentary sense of familiarity that brings about a false sense of comfort. I can't help it though. I can help how it takes me back to when you still loved me, when we didn't sleep like there were walls between us, when you still let me hold and kiss you. When you would whisper small nothings into my ear, and we'd giggle like there was no tomorrow. When we would throw soapy water at each other, never getting the dishes done. When we'd go on tiny adventures in the middle of the night, somehow ending up at the beach, the waves licking at our feet, watching the moon in her quiet beauty. God, I loved you. I still do. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?

He was right. You're like a refreshing breeze, the most welcome respite in the heat of the desert. But I don't know what I expected. You left. Of course you'd leave. The wind doesn't wait for anyone, how could I ask you to? I hope you're happier with him. ~~I wish you were that happy with me.~~

As I watch you walk out of the door one last time, I feel you slipping away already. The human memory, what a fickle thing. I can't keep you at all, can I? The memories are fading, but the feelings never will. I still love you Suga, I always will.

_"For the love, for laughter, I flew up to your arms  
Is it a video? Is it a video?"_

It’s been a month. I tell myself I’m getting better, but I’m not. I’m telling myself I miss you less every day, what a liar I am. I can’t help but think back to you. I think about what we were like. I remember what we were like. My memory must be wrong though, because I remember we were happy. Do you? Do you remember that we were happy? Do you remember anything about us?

Do you remember our videos? The stacks of cassettes under the TV cabinet. They should be collecting dust. But my inability to let go keeps them meticulous and neat. Just like you liked. It feels like you're still with me when I watch them. I feel like I can still hear your laugh, twinkling brighter than the moon, the brightest thing in the sky. I pretend you’re still with me when I watch them. I pretend we’re looking back at the memories, and we're laughing at ourselves. I pretend you press closer to me and kiss my cheek, and tell me how much you love me. I pretend like the suffocating quiet and cold of our apartment doesn’t exist, that it’s warm and colorful like it was with you.

The pretending makes everything worse, in a way. Waking up to the emptiness is so much worse than I imagined. It makes my heart ache and yearn for you more. Everything reminds me of you here. Maybe that’s why I stay, even though we’re done, even though you’re gone, and even though looking at them hurts me. Maybe that's why I'm here, even despite promising myself I'll let you go. I like looking at the things you left behind. Do you remember what you left behind, and the memories you abandoned along with them? Do you remember the painting on the wall above our bed? Do you remember when we drove for two hours to find the artist because you just couldn’t go to bed without thanking him for it? Do you remember how we came home and laughed, staying up throughout the night just to pin it up in a place where you’d see it every day? You left it behind. The same way you did me. 

Do you remember the bookshelf in our office? Do you remember shopping for it in IKEA, navigating through the seemingly endless maze before you saw it from a distance and squealed in happiness? Do you remember building it? You got stuck halfway through before whining my name and asking for help. Do you remember how we sat and finished building it in 8 hours, probably 6 hours more than it should have taken? And do you remember how you looked at it when it was done, and pouted, saying that it was too plain? Do you remember how I left you staring at it, thinking about how to fix it, and brought four cans of paint home, and I opened it up, just to splatter you in blue? You looked so pretty in blue, I tried to tell you, before you picked up another paint can to throw paint at me. We ended up having a paint fight that day, splatting blue, green, lavender, and yellow everywhere, even on the bookshelf. You never said it looked too plain again. Do you remember it? You left it behind. The same way you did me. 

Your books are still in the bookshelf. I hope you remember those. I hope you remember how you would pull out a book for me, and one for you, and you’d forcefully shove it into my hands before placing yourself in between my legs. You head resting on my shoulder, both of us reading in a quiet peace made for just the both of us. Halfway through, you’d forget about reading though. You’d tell me about what you’d been reading, chattering your mouth away. You’d complain about the gender norms in Victorian society, about how it was just so unfair that women couldn’t do everything a man could do. You’d tell me about how amazing it was when some men came up with books that highlighted this social injustice, and how much those men were attacked for standing up for basic human rights. And once you started, you wouldn't stop. I loved it. I love it so much. I miss those conversations; I miss reading with you. I miss you with your books, but now I just have one of them. Do you remember your books? You left them behind. The same way you did me. 

As I watch the home we built, and the emptiness you left behind, I know you’ve slipped away. I know you’re gone. I said before that I couldn’t keep you at all. I was wrong. I still have you, even if it is in pathetic memories of the things you left behind. But even these memories are slipping. That’s fine, I'll live, because while the memories are fading, the feelings never will. I still love you Suga, I always will.

_"I have loved you for the last time  
Visions of Gideon, visions of Gideon  
And I have kissed you for the last time  
Visions of Gideon, visions of Gideon"_

It's been two years. You still live in my skin. Etched into the very fibres of my being, stubborn and refusing to leave. I don't know if you existed though. Is that normal? You're here, but at the same time, you're not. Omnipresent, but always out of reach. At least, that's what I tell myself to feel better about you leaving. I promised to let go, to let you love him instead of me. I'm a liar. I can't let go. It hurts me so much to not let go, but it’ll kill me if I do.

You never did come back. I hear snippets of conversations from those who were our friends. He could keep up, couldn’t he? He understands you, doesn’t he? He doesn’t just nod when you talk, he talks back, doesn’t he? You were like the wind, and I couldn’t hold you back, but he's like the ocean, moving along with you. You're happy with him. He could keep up when I couldn't. I see pictures too. You look happier, your eyes shine a little brighter, you laugh a little more. I wish you’d come back though. I understand you’re happier with him, but it hurts so much when I reach out for comfort, only to be met with the unwelcoming and bitter darkness of our apartment. You were the wind, you needed the ocean, and I was like a mountain. Firm, unbending, stubborn. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed. I'm sorry you're not here with me. 

I still love you. I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. It's just so hard when the pain is the only thing keeping me going. I keep thinking back to the last times, before you were gone. You left so quickly, so easily. Just like that, as if our love meant nothing to you. Maybe it didn't. Maybe I was a fool. All I know is that I can’t let go. You haven’t slipped away, not yet. Your face is getting fuzzier in my mind, but I can’t let you go. You're gone. You've been gone for a while now. You left me here, all alone, and the only thing remaining of you in me is the memory of your back. The memory of your back leaving. The memory of your back leaving behind. And what's worse, is I can't keep up. Why would that stop me though? It's like I told you when I left. The memories are fading, but the feelings never will. I still love you Suga, I always will.

_“Is it a video? Is it a video? Is it a video?”_

It's so very quiet without you. I hear my own heartbeat, echoing in my ears. I’ve already drowned in it. I wish you were here. I wish I could hold you one last time again, kiss you one last time again, look at you one last time again, live with you one last time again. I can’t go on, reliving these last times without you.

I suppose I'll just have to keep reliving them, with pretend-you, in this pretend-home, in my pretend-happiness. I'll keep telling myself that. I'll keep telling myself to relive them one last time. Just one last time.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Please do leave a comment and a kudos if you did! :DD


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